On February 23rd, the day before war in Ukraine started, I was in Kharkiv. Now, I am living in Sweden. Although, in 2022, I already planned to stay for a while in Stockholm to live and work, I still was in my hometown Kharkiv during these horrible events. As a Ukrainian refugee, I want to recount my story of survival, and talk about my life before and after the events of February 24th.
You can also hear more about my experiences in an interview I recorded in Stockholm, available on Spotify through the provided link, where I discuss how the war affected me during its onset.
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‘What were you doing on February 23?’ – I was busy partying and enjoying my day off. But I didn’t realize that in just a few hours my life would become a documentary movie. And what’s worse, some of my friends, acquaintances, or people from the news will face a true tragedy that we all could not even imagine happening to us in 2022. Today is the time of mass graving, bombing of thousands of houses, ‘filtration camps’, tanks, and military planes outside your window.
“This is a very unique feeling. When you see how someone wants to kill you.”
There is a famous scene in Shindler’s list, a girl who dressed in red as a symbol of holocaust. “To Schindler, she represents the innocence of the Jews being slaughtered. He sees her from high atop a hill and is riveted by her, almost to the exclusion of the surrounding violence.”
2022. Ukraine. Another girl is wearing red in the background of the debris of her destroyed school.
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Could you have ever imagined, while watching war movies, that you’d be the one calmly breathing, treating this conflict as just ‘something in Eastern Europe? Or, perhaps you find yourself tired of the war news, even encountering opinions blaming Ukraine and suggesting it should yield to Russia to avoid World War III (yes, I’ve read such comments on Quora).
I get it; we all need to shield ourselves from the harsh reality. I too focus on hobbies, work, and going out to stay distracted. While everyone expresses support, it feels as if they perceive news about the war in Ukraine as just another documentary.
A lot of coincidences and references from war movies have become a part of our reality.
Here’s a photo from our train station a few days after the war began.
I forced my mother to leave with me, as she refused to leave her mother, my grandmother who was with coronavirus in the hospital. I said to my mother – ‘You need to leave her and go, you are younger and need to make a choice and prioritize’. I know this is what my grandmother wanted also. I haven’t seen my grandmother for two years. I am constantly asking her to stay alive as I want to see her one day, and she wants to stay alive as she afraid we will need to come to Ukraine if something happens to her.
Sophie’s choice
I witnessed the war…I remember the phrase I heard from one movie about World War II — ‘This is the beginning of the war’. I was thinking how great it is that it will never happen to me, to my generation. The day on February 24, I heard this phrase that the war had started. And you understand your past life is over, and everything will become just worthier.
I was always big fan of Scarlett from ‘Blow by the Wind’. Her courage, and she could handle all on her own during war time. But I never thought I will be in a very similar situation. Remember how she naively stating that she doesn’t believe in war, just like me before war in Ukraine started.
Today, I live in Sweden, together with my parents. We fled my lovely city of Kharkiv in mid March. I was in Kharkiv in recent years and I was in a bomb shelter in my own apartment after February 24 for more than a week.
February 23 and years before in Ukraine
February 23 was a suspiciously good day. Since then, I am afraid of too goodish days and even too much happiness scares me. It was the day when everything I ever loved about my past life happened in one day. I had a day off, and the whole day was busy with my routine stuff that I might never experience again.
I woke up late in my newly bought apartment in Saltovka not far away from the center of the city. This was my life dream to have my own place. I have been working super hard, having three jobs at the same time, for about 5 years and still have a mortgage debt. My apartment is beautiful and designed in Scandinavian style. Every single part of it was created by myself. Even small loops in the wardrobe and each poster on the wall I bought in Copenhagen. This apartment is my own art place, my soul, and my reflection.
I finished repairs in this place just 7 months ago before February 24. Before, I lived in the same area in a small studio. I love this area, as it will always remind me about the happy years I had in Kharkiv.
On February 23, nothing seemed too suspicious. I enjoyed lunch at my favorite place, Pakufuda (which faced bombing just after New Year this year), and walked in the beautiful parks of Kharkiv. Later in the evening, I visited a newly built fancy gym and swimming pool.
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As usual, I attended a concert, a jazz jam, with my friends, and Wednesday karaoke at the English pub Schoolpub. That night, we all gathered together, sensing that perhaps we might never meet again. Our favorite bartender, now serving in the army, and a friend who owns another bar we used to frequent, have been looted.
Read my article about our Kharkiv park here. Or about Kyiv here.
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When you see soldiers on the TV or news, this is completely different than when you see your friend, a guy who was fun and joyful while partying in the pub, changes his clothing to military clothing and is now sleeping in trenches. And, you know that the possibility of dying or being injured is extremely high. When you see someone you know as a soldier, you feel the change in this reality. The past reality no longer exists. You start to remember all those WII movies, as when I watched them I never thought it was going to repeat.
Kharkiv and Ukraine
Recent years in Kharkiv were wealthy. Everything was just rebuilt. New Zoo, new restaurants and bars, fancy, large malls, and European style real estate. Kharkiv is located in Eastern Ukraine, borders with russia, Donetsk, and Lugansk. And, even though we recognized the danger of living close to war areas, people still adored Kharkiv and felt safe. And I still want to call this spiritual city the most peaceful place on Earth. As you get a peace of mind in Kharkiv.
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The city has many educational establishments, schools and famous Universities. The city of students has a youth vibe, where you can find lots of parties, clubs, bars, and festivals. The city is a perfect place for meditation. Kharkiv citizens adore ezoteric stuff like yoga, healthy food and lifestyle. The city is a small Bali.
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It has some stereotype of being pro-russian, but it is not at all. We are very diverse, having Ukrainian, Jewish, European, African, Arabic, Latino, and so on communities. By the way, Jewish community is quite strong, and some call Kharkiv the Ukrainian Israel (and, yes, it seems it is going to be). We have many International students, or Europeans, US, Canadian people who open businesses or work in large IT companies like Plarium or Epam. Latino and African communities have opened their bars and organized fun parties. So, the city is very multicultural, welcoming, and Ukrainian.
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When it comes to considering a city as comfortable, you may think about the economy. In Ukraine, prices are far more affordable than in Europe or Western countries, infrastructure is pretty similar, service is often better. Accommodation may cost you 200-600 $ per month, real estate, let’s say 1 apartments not far from the city center may cost 15k-20k$. Restaurant check is around 5-10$, where you get service like in luxury restaurants in Europe. Beauty salons may charge you 5-30$ per female haircut, and so on.
I planned to create an article about Kharkiv with its images and videos. I always postponed. Now, I am late. The city will never be the same.
But not everything was perfect, to be honest.
For me, I am not a big fan of our nation. Many of whom are rude, do not respect personal space of each other. I prefer working with foreigners instead of Ukrainians, unfortunately. Our management is often bad, unhealthy work environment, bosses behave like assholes, super unstable and high staff turnover. I could change work because of the toxic environment almost every few months or was fired for no reason few days before Christmas. It’s not always like that, but in most cases we have socialistic capitalism.
Also the attitude towards Ukrainian women…Most of our men are too self-indulgent, ‘mommy’s princes’, with too high expectations towards women but not towards themself. In our culture, men prefer ‘shy girls’, those who stay home, cook, do not have any goals in their life and have children early because they want to get a man who will pay for them forever. If you have a personality and don’t want to be a man’s pet, it will be hard to find a man in Ukraine in most cases. I even don’t blame men for fostering such women; decent guys just want to carry about their family. Also, good mother is someone who again stays home and feed their children. Why do Ukrainians soo concern about food? For me, the most important is to have a respectful attitude towards children and bring them opportunities. To give them opportunities in their life, I need to work but not stay home and over parenting them so they grow up selfish mommy’s kids. And, the less you eat the better for your health. Foreigners treat us like whores. Believe me. They come to find subordinate wifes or cheap girls. And they believe we are like that. I face rude behavior towards me all the time, one foreigner said ‘European guys are not going seriously date but fuck ‘slavic girls’. Many of our women immigrate because they can’t find decent relationships, but when they go abroad they still face this attitude. I understand many of our girls are too easy to get and they are materialistic and stupid looking for a men who pay their bills, but why do I need to suffer from that?
I was interviewed here about Sweden, where I just said that I like handsome Scandinavian men. Many of male haters in the comments called me a whore, even ugly, and an underdog… Seriously. Our men often call our women who are interested in foreigners whores (Natashas). Can you imagine this happening somewhere in the US or Sweden? So, as a Ukrainian I had to be a bitch and suspicious towards people all the time.
We do have positive sides. Ukrainians are open-hearted, strong, and sometimes really progressive. And, of course our men or women not all like that. Men are warm-hearted and self-made (which is most important for me) super strong with incredible sense of humour no-one in the world has, at the same time creative. Women are romantic, beautiful, and hardworking. Common, I am Ukrainian, so this means a lot and represent Ukraine from a very good side. I miss my Ukrainian friends, and I know I will never have such level of friendship again.
February 24. And my days in the bomb shelter.
I was in a taxi with my friends, we were coming back from our favorite pub. At home, I sat down on a sofa staring at my laptop. It was around 4.50 am on February 24. Then, in 30 min I heard a big explosion and saw smoke from the bombing, like a small nuclear bombing. It was outside my window, around 10 km from me. That moment I started trembling and felt sick. I understood that this is the end. Different chats said ‘it’s started’. I remember I knew that this is something very dangerous, and you start to feel very small and vulnerable.
My neighbors panicked a bit but were very active. I called my parents to come to my place as they were in Severnaya Saltovka where there was a severe bombing and I live close to the metro.
So we went to the house basement. The whole next week we were there. Together with neighbors. It was easier to be together. Just a few hours in the morning we were coming to our apartment. I didn’t have enough water, and had just a few sips per day. I couldn’t eat for the whole week because of stress, and forced myself to eat at least something.
Everyone was calm, didn’t panic and even the kids were silent. No one cried. Pregnant women were on survival mode and remained strong. Parents were reading fairy tales and singing Baby Shark to kids. Kids asked their parents whether they were going to die because of the bombing.
We were constantly hearing noises of bombing and shooting. No one wanted to eat. Some men were trying to drink alcohol but other neighbors didn’t allow it. It was a rule to avoid alcohol.
My friends from all around the world (except russia) were writing to us trying to help.
On the last day before we left there was an aviation bombing. So, how it was. I had a dream that day — military planes outside my window. I woke up and went to the shelter straight away. Usually it was bombing in the evening. But we started to hear noises in the afternoon.
It was still very unexpectable. We were just standing chatting, then immediately we heard aviation and shooting of our houses from that plane. That was the first time, some people (me) started to panic and others blamed me for this. We forced each other to not be afraid and panic even in such situations. But then it was a second round of bombing. We again heard aviation and that time it was bombing the house in front of us. The sound was very loud so we all fell down. Then counted for a few seconds waiting for another explosion. It was a moment when we knew that we were probably going to die. But, straight after we got out to see what happened. Many cars were burned and destroyed apartments in the house of bombing. Our situation still was lucky as no one was injured. You know it’s a weird feeling when you know someone was trying to kill you. The plane was bombing and shooting a big house full of civilians just in the middle of the day.
I can’t post any images of my apartment and area due to safety reasons.
On the way to Stockholm.
Aviation bombing was the turning point. I was afraid to get out from a bomb shelter since the war started, but after that bombing it feels like I no longer have fears. I even feel like I died that day and now I am a ghost.
We packed our car and left. First, we took our relatives with us and left necessary medicine to my grandmother without even not saying goodbye. While riding I was afraid of bombing as they bombed cars with civilians.
The time when I just left Kharkiv and stopped in the forest near the gas station was one of the happiest moments in my life. I bought a coffee and it was the first time since war started so I could breathe the fresh air and drink coffee without fear of bombing.
Our friends were in touch with us and helped us to find accomodation. All hosts were Ukrainian speaking (we are russian speaking), were hostile and nice. They gave us too much food I remember. The last destination was Vinitza before we left for Romania. A lovely Ukrainian city in the Western part. We wanted to have some rest and spend a few days but on the day we came there was a bombing of its airport. I felt that this is a sign and we need to go straight away. Few weeks later there was a terrorist act in the centre where I was walking.
Two years past.
It feels like I am afraid of saying anything about the war in Ukraine now. Even though people are still supportive, not much concern is up in the air. I feel uncomfortable talking about dramatic and sad things and disturb the positive attitude of everyone.
I am not saying we need to concentrate on Ukraine only. Me as well going to clubs and living a good life trying to forget everything that happened to me. But, you need to understand that your neighbor country has a full scale medieval war, where barbaric soldiers have caveman mentality and their owners are satans and dictators. Why do you think it will not come to you? More than 70% of people live under poverty in the angry and successful and wealthy West. Why do we think they are not gathering together and attack us just because of simple jealousy? And imagine how the lazy, naive, and wealthy West will react to these attacks. Just remember the destiny of the Roman Empire.
But, we have a chance to avoid it simply to arm Ukraine. It is lucky that we have people in Ukraine who agreed to fight. It is in our veins to defend yourself from attacks of the neighbors as we were always under attack.
Those who blame Ukrainians who left Ukraine.
On 2 January, in my hometown Kharkiv there were few big explosions in the central part of the city. The place where I usually had coffee. When war started, I was in the basement of my own apartment for more than one week. But decided to leave when a military airplane bombed the house in front of us. I still remember how after that bombing my neighbors and I were ready that we could die.
I don’t understand why some Ukrainians blame those who want to save their lives. Is this going to be easier for you if I suffer? Why do some think that our citizens have to stay in dangerous areas?
Why do they think they are ‘heroes’ because they are staying in the war area? Some have obstacles, some are true heroes and are on the frontline, but most just can’t adapt in a foreign country, in most cases simply because of lack of education.
Language issue and ‘caveman patriotism’.
Imagine. You are russian speaking Ukrainian from Mariupol. Lost everything. All your possessions, your city, your life, or more. You come to Lviv to a beauty salon where it is written ‘no russian language’, so you are not allowed to come in. 2024 year. Curtains. — True story.
Almost two years in Sweden as a ‘war refugee’.
It is very painful to call myself a war refugee. War was a word I heard from movies and still can’t believe I became a character in one of those movies.
My story is a bit lucky. I planned on moving to Stockholm in 2022. Already passing job interviews and searching for accommodations. When I came here, I had less than 2k usd in my bank account, I was with my parents who can’t work as they don’t speak English. My relatives in my hometown had to relocate to another city in Ukraine as well. Just thanks to the help of kind people and friends who supported me the first few months, and my work colleagues, I could arrange this accidental immigration. I have no idea how difficult it was for others.
There is a common stereotype that Ukrainianians have enough help. No, we don’t. We got free cheap sandwiches and sometimes rooms in shitwhole hostels. Thank you at least for that, but it’s not easy when you have a stable European life in Ukraine. Still I can’t blame the countries that supported Ukraine, as it’s hard to arrange help for lots of refugees with fancy tastes and high life expectations, and this support is unbelievable anyway. And, believe me, many people just opened their homes for us and treated us like their kids. I was lucky to stay with wonderful people in Romania and Sweden, and they helped me a lot.
I am working in Stockholm or online, and can afford paying rent. Those who can’t get around 170 usd per month and usually room with shared kitchen are not always in a nice area. Those people had their own apartments in Ukrainian cities, some lost their businesses and the whole town. Imagine you have lost your hometown.
I always dreamed about immigration. Now I lost my hometown, my friends, my previous life. When you lose your hometown, you lose your childhood, your youth, and I feel like I am retired and don’t have youthful energy. I now understand that life wisdom should come late. As if it comes too early – it is bad, you retire, you are almost close to death. Some ‘friends’ even never call me, or even ignore me in the time when I am on my own with relatives on my shoulders, and have lost everything. I wish I could cut them back in time, and would rather spend more time on work. As work is the only reason why I survived. I never could imagine that in the time of such a catastrophe, the people I know for a long time can behave like that. Some friends from that expensive area even behave like nothing too serious, which reminds me of that scene from the Italian movie ‘Life is beautiful’, when a main character were asking his German friend to get out from the filtration cam but a friend was still playing a quiz with him.
I feel my previous life and most of the people around me were just an illusion. I am not afraid of loneliness now, as anyway people around you are just an entertainment, not more. The only thing that helped to recover from a very deep pain is work, creativity, and music. Sweden is also antistress — as when you are away from assholes, it helps a lot. Also I protect myself psychologically and stay away from any bad feelings. When I have bad feelings, I immediately create. As you need to throw it away straight away. Or it will absorb you. And I know I am blessed as I survived, so I don’t have the right to suffer anymore.
And after this horror happened, I understood that there is no sense to suffer. Yesterday you got the pain. But today I am not. And one day you die anyway. We suffer because of the burden of our mind and soul. And, first of all because of our ego. Animals don’t suffer much. They also have feelings but they don’t spend time suffering after. They suffer in the moment but not much after. They don’t suffer much after humiliation. But people can get a small dose of pain that lasts one minute and then suffer the whole life. Why can we not turn off our memories? Remember again — you will die one day, and your pain was yesterday. Not now. However, it is human nature to remember and suffer. And it feels like someone rules your pain or love feelings — turn it on and off, so you can’t do anything with that.
I lost my point. I always dreamed about immigration. And now what. I sacrifice a simpler life but with my friends and places full of memories.
What would happen to me if I couldn’t work, I would become homeless, literally on the street. And ‘princes’ — where are they now? The most important thing in your life is you, your health, your bank account, your work. All other things, including friends or love partners are just simple entertainment but not your ground. Those who tell girls that they need to search for a man instead of working should be jailed for misinformation. This is not even patriarchy, this is a crime like scam. This leads to humiliation, prostitution, and danger to your life. I believe in love, and I love love. But, I don’t want to depend on someone’s hormonal disbalance.
Like Cher once said — ‘Man is just a tasty dessert, but I love desserts.’
Back to Sweden.
How kind, welcome, and beautiful this country is. Stockholm is a well-designed city with calm, kind, and creative people. How easily and fast your life can change and relieve all your pains when you are surrounded by normal people. How much confidence, new energy you get. You become younger, positive, and look better just because you are surrounded by kind people. This city calmed me down and reduced stress in my life. This is exactly what I need now. As even small stress can crush me easily now. I protect my mind from any bad thought and situation as once it opens, the whole volcano of sorrow will get off.
Stockholm is creative, musical, super well-designed, clean, tasty, healthy, both vintage and modern, fashionable, full of opportunities but comfortable to live. Sometimes a bit calm and not partying enough but not crazy though. Sometimes cold and dark on one hand, but too sunny and warm other times on the other hand. When it is sunny here, it is like a paradise. Beautiful nature all around which is always an anti stress.
I am running TikTok, and add lots of fun videos about Sweden.
@travelartstories Posh and artsy #DrottningholmsSlott ♬ Soft piano lo-fi(794915) – kai
But hard to predict. If I stay or not. I’m still not sure where my home is and it’s hard to change anything. It wasn’t perfect in Ukraine, and I’m still unsure what is going to be in Sweden. The country I like but it’s still not filled with true friends, people I love, and even career, even though I had a job and different educational courses here already.
By the way, you can watch my fun and cozy interview about Sweden on YouTube (4m+ views). I avoided all depressive topics. But, believe me, I am positive there, but it is just a mask.
What next?
I tend to see what I want to see, and objectivity is a bit tricky for me. It’s like when you can’t fathom that someone you love is hurt and might pass away. I want to believe that this hell will eventually come to an end, and I’ll walk through the center of Kharkiv, reuniting with friends at my favorite pub. After all, shouldn’t kindness triumph over evil?
If you come across a Ukrainian, please ask them if they’d like to talk and share their feelings. Sometimes, that’s all we really need.
And, the last thing I want to tell you. There are soo many news today about possible big war of NATO and russia. It is hard to believe and I see many memes, jokes or skepticism. Few hours before a full scale war started in Ukraine, we didn’t worry much and just had some pub conversations about it. But then in a few hours we lost our previous life forever. We were just like you now, and maybe be you will become just like us now.